


conflicted

by tadmayt



Category: Vinland Saga (Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Eventual Sex, F/M, Love/Hate, Psychological Trauma, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2020-10-14 19:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tadmayt/pseuds/tadmayt
Summary: feelings cannot be resonated .that's what Hild told herself when she sank into the deft of Thorfinn brown eyes, sensing the multiple emotions emanating from them, the guilt,the shame,the sadness...and the love.





	1. Chapter 1

It started as a normal day; the crew had landed in a small island they found in their way to Greece. Being exhausted from the travel, Leif made the proposition to take a few days to rest and regain forces. Well, Hild didn’t complain she herself was tired and didn’t mind staying on the piece of land, and hunt some animals to feed herself and her companions. Meat was always welcome in those times. The next day was a Saturday morning; she woke up a little late, the first thing this day began with was a small argument between Gudrid and Wide Eyes. She wasn’t interested enough to find the reason, but she guessed it was about some irrelevant remark the merchant made.

“Hey, Hild you woke up” spoke Gudrid, “would you like some potato soup, Wide Eyes and I made it.”

“Thanks...”.she replied while taking a bowl from the dark haired woman. The taste wasn’t good as expected. “It’s sour!”

“See! I told you, you should work on your cooking skills, this soup tastes like horse urine” the comment wide eyes said made Gudrid loose her temper.

“Excuse me! It’s not my fault; you’re the one who brought those rotten potatoes from the last market because they were cheap”.

The discussion started to become annoying to hild, situations like this only made those two look like undisciplined brats fighting over some stupid toy. It wasn’t that she disliked them, but hild liked calm and serenity, especially in the morning. Then she thought that hunting some rabbit or deer would be a nice idea to spend her time.After all, they couldn’t feed on potato alone for the rest of the days on this island. She then headed to nearby forest taking her customized crossbow with her and leaving Einar trying to resonate ‘the brats’ and Leif to his map.

The forest was dense with huge trees, and very quiet for most of the part. It will take a lot of patience to find any hunting target in this mass of grass and trees; being an expert in the matter, she could tell. Without taking into account her direction, she found herself next to a wide lake. Being the adventurous type; Hild took a few steps closer, examining the grass hoping to find a deer or in the worst case a bear. But what she came across was beyond all her expectations .Emerging from the deft of the water, a male figure completely naked and soaked from head to toe. Short blond hair wet and droplets of water falling the long of his back, caressing the butt cheeks and the muscular legs to finally land on the surface of the lake. Surprisingly enough, Hild didn’t dare to take her eyes off this unusual sight as the man; Thorfinn, brought his hands to his face in order to clear his vision from water and started to rub his arms and chest, completely unaware of the woman’s presence behind his back. Hild took the chance to analyze thorfinn’s whole intimate physiognomy. Noticing for once that the man in front of her wasn’t repulsive to look at, despite the scars all over his torso and legs, proof of his violent past. Thorfinn kept washing his body, letting the muscles of his arms roll gently under his skin. Even though Hild hated this man thoroughly, she found herself enjoying looking at his nude figure, much to her disarray. A few seconds later, Thorfinn finally became aware of the young woman’s presence and panic started to creep inside Hild. She made eye contact with him shortly before she ran toward the coast in order to join her friends.

_“Shit, shit, shit_…” she thought while running frantically.

She felt ashamed, ashamed of reacting the way she did. She should have left the lake immediately, but instead she continued to stare. Hell, she even felt excited for a short lapse of time. It was _Thorfinn_, motherfucking Thorfinn son of Thors, the man who murdered her father in cold blood before mocking her and calling her a weak prey. The man who had killed countless people like her father and orphaned many children like her. She should hate him and his pathetic remorse. But right now, the one she hated was herself. She never saw a man naked before, but when she did it had to be_ him_. Of all people, and the worst in all of it is that at that time, she felt the need to be near him, to even be _with_ him. And she despised herself for that.

Her lungs where aching as she made her way to the beach; she ran like never before. The blonde woman walked toward the camp where all of her companions where gathered and a very worried Einar made his way to her.

“Hild! Where have you been? We were worried something had happened to you…” said the brown haired man sounding genuinely concerned for his friend. “I see you didn’t catch anything this time”. He finally noticed.

“Why did nobody tell me Thorfinn was at the lake?” she asked at last, clearly angry, trying to fight to chase the warmth out of her cheeks as she remembered every detail of the scene.

“What! You didn’t know? It’s Saturday and it’s the day the Norsemen wash themselves” replied Einar innocently, completely oblivious to Hild’s apparent discomfort. It was only after he noticed the slight color in the blonde’s cheeks that he decided to ask. “Wait a moment, did you see him there…naked?”

Hild didn’t have the guts to reply to that answer. Only the redness in her face was betraying her silence. Einar was about to say something to her before being interrupted by Gudrid’s distant voice.

“Einar! Leif and wide eyes caught some nice fish, come we need your help!”

“Fine I’m coming!” answered the young man before leaving Hild to her thoughts.

A nice breeze started to blow making the Hild’s blond hair reach her face and the trees behind her sway, while creating a soothing sound. But soothed wasn’t what Hild’s mind was at the moment. She hated to admit it, but deep down she knew her perception of Thorfinn wouldn’t be the same ever again.


	2. chapter 2

_The woods were dark and haunting, she was running for her life, away from the mercenaries that attacked her village, away from all this monstrous brutality and gratuitous violence._

_She didn’t understand why all of this was happening, to her village, her neighbors, her friends. All of those she grew up with and deeply connected to._

_She didn’t realize where her legs were taking her, until she stood in the middle of a battle. This battle opposed her father to a young man, probably an invader who was as vicious and cruel as his companions. _

_In the blink of an eye, her father was murdered._

_“I am the hunter…You are the prey.”_

Hild woke up sweating from this vivid nightmare, one that brought to the surface all the trauma and pain she struggled with since years. In that vision, she only saw Thorfinn as an animal. Something cruel and beyond human compassion. Deep down, that is how she wished for it to remain. It will be much simpler and non-contradictory for her.

It will lift a huge amount of guilt from her. It will be a lot easier on her subconscious as well.

Ever since that day, when they first arrived on this damned island. It was like a curse was set upon her. No matter how hard she tried to forget what she _saw_, it only made her mind spinning with both incomprehension and guilt.

Maybe she was seeing this man as something different right now. She still was aware of how savage he had been and might still be under this redemption façade. But she can’t just ignore the fact that she desired him now, certainly not loved, but desired nonetheless.

The more she tried to make sense of it, the more she admitted all the reasons that led to this desire to blossom.

Thorfinn was the first boy, no man, she saw completely naked. And he was very attractive physically speaking, despite the scars all across his body. She still had this image of his nude form craved into her mind, and has the ability to recall all of Thorfinn’s body in details. And since she didn’t give herself the leisure to have intimate experiences with men in the past, she undeniably was left with a huge void in her life.

Yes, that is how it was. It made sense… a lot of sense.

She was heavily and shamefully _frustrated_.

The night on the beach was so calm and fresh. The crew members were deeply sleeping next to the leftovers of a campfire, preparing themselves to leave the island tomorrow. Hild wished the next days would be exhausting and she wouldn’t have the time to let her hormones take the lead of her mind.

After she had the time to nurse her night terror, she felt herself falling back to sleep. Clutching to her crossbow, her best ally and protection.

The blonde man was sound asleep across her, surrounded by Einar and Leif. While Karli was laying next to Gudrid, Wide eyes and her. She couldn’t bear looking at his face directly and without any interference. She would have all the necessary minutes to analyze it and even find it more attractive. Which didn’t sound appealing to her at the moment.

It will only fuel more unwanted night terror, or ambiguous sensations and emotions she barely could chart.

_Father, I am so sorry, deeply sorry._

_I hope I can be stronger through all of this._


End file.
